Grace Essen

By Grace Essen

About a month ago, I went to pick my daughter from school, she had just concluded her BECE and she had to go home same day because she had taken ill towards the end of the exams. I had looked forward to her coming home and like most parents today, I had lined up activities to keep her ‘busy’. I just couldn’t imagine her spending the long holiday doling ‘nothing’. As we drove home she told me about her exams, and how she was confident of her performance despite her ill health. I congratulated her and told her I was proud.

I told her about a beads-making class which would start in two weeks and I wanted her to join. She needed her to recover quickly. I went on and on about how she would learn this and that, and do this and that…suddenly I realized I was just talking to myself, my daughter most likely overwhelmed at the thought of it all had dozed off. I didn’t even take into account that she was ill and very tired.

Soon after she recovered, I kept reminding her about the beads-making class, but any time I mentioned it she just didn’t show any interest until the deadline for registration passed. The next on my agenda was shoe-making class. I had made arrangement subject to confirmation of a convenient start date. She had in the past made sandals out of materials she found at home and I thought she would naturally jump at the idea, but I didn’t see the enthusiasm. I got frustrated. In as much as I wanted her to get ‘busy’, I also didn’t want people asking what she was doing while on holiday and I would say nothing. The next was to take lessons in science subjects in preparation for her next class. But while the arrangement was underway, my attention was drawn to something entirely different.

After she had gone to boarding school, I noticed she didn’t quite like coming to the kitchen when she was home on break. Normal holidays were usually short and she always had so much assignments and projects to do so I let her face school work, but I was concerned. I saw a post on social media sometime ago on how men now prefer househelps to our daughters for marriage because we train the househelps while our daughters grow up not knowing how to do house chores and manage the home, that is a talk for another day. That got my attention, though I have no help in my home; my kids do house chores and as far as I’m concerned there is no task fit for boy or girl. But the new development in my daughter needed to be corrected.

I was a bit under the weather about two weeks ago and I had gone to the bedroom to get some rest. I can’t quite tell how long I must have slept when I felt a gentle tap; it was my daughter asking if she could bring my food to the bedroom. I sat up surprised and asked, “What did you cook?” I couldn’t remember leaving any instructions. She smiled and walked away and soon appeared with my meal on a tray. That was the best gift anyone could have given me that day. I was so grateful. I hadn’t noticed how much my daughter had grown. She had practically taken over the running of the home.

This couldn’t have come at a better time than now when I’m busy with my upcoming workshop for moms Super Mom Makeover. Beyond cooking she also helps me plan meals, make shopping lists, pick her younger one from school, clean the house, do the laundry, run errands ….what more can I possibly ask for? But beyond learning all this, which ultimately is for her good, the bond between us has grown stronger, she has become much more open and she looks healthy, relaxed and happy. That makes me glad.

The long holiday has given me the opportunity to not just teach her in the usual hurried ‘can’t-you- just-get-it’ attitude, but to show her the way things are done by demonstrating and giving her the chance to watch, practice, make mistakes and improve – because we both have the time. The other day, she cooked and served spaghetti and asked that I tasted it and told her what I thought. I was busy so I did in a hurry and told her it was delicious, but it wasn’t so. When I actually got to eat, it tasted much better than mine! I finished it and asked for a second helping!

We often fill our children’s lives with activities more for our own sakes than theirs, and also make up for our absence. We just want them to be somewhere so we can work and more money, have fun, or just have some ‘peace’. But if we looked at it differently we would see how holidays afford us the time to connect and bond with our children, and notice what needs attention and take action before it’s too late.

You may reach Grace via email: [email protected]. Follow her on twitter @GraceEssen, find her on Facebook, and check out her blog @Mum2MumAfrica.com.