Grace Essen

Women and girls have a reputation for being mean to each another. It’s usually in form of subtle torments: judging, ignoring, criticizing, gossiping, giggling, belittling, ‘eyeing’, excluding… This attitude towards each other brings to bare something deep and dark within women’s relationships. Whether we imbibed this at childhood or it’s something we learned from society as we grew up, it is a known fact women are often so mean to one another.  I wonder why.

Sometime ago, I went to the local government council closest to me to inquire about Lagos state resident registration. I drove into the office and was lucky to find a space to park my car within the compound. In less than 10 minutes I was done, I got the info I needed from some men on the very long queue; it looked like they came prepared to spend the whole day. Their advice after giving me the info was to get there very early if I wanted to leave on time. Walking back to my car, I found there were two cars parked behind; thank goodness the owner of the second car, a lady, was right inside touching up on her makeup. I went looking for the owner of the car directly parked behind mine, it didn’t take much time to get him, and then I nicely asked the lady in the second car to move so I could drive out. We started our cars ready to drive out but ‘madam’ didn’t budge. I thought it was a joke. I got to her car and met her still making up, I pleaded that I needed to drive out; she tilted her head back a bit, and rolled her eyelids up and down in the “and-who-the-hell-is-this” expression of hostility that women exude when they’re sizing each other up, then she simply faced her car mirror, and continued her makeup. I couldn’t believe it. At this time the men standing around there where amused and at the same time irritated at her behavior. And then she said, “Who asked you to park there in the first place?” She turned to a man who had come to plead on my behalf, “Se staff ni?”

When she wouldn’t move, we just let her be. I sat in my car praying that God would touch her heart. He did answer my prayer, but He didn’t need to touch her heart. One of the men took it upon himself to get owners of cars parked adjacent to mine and those behind, out of their offices to move their cars for me. I was so thankful. As I drove off, he specifically asked that I said nothing to ‘madam’. Relieved that I was finally leaving, there was really nothing to say to her.

It starts in primary school and is perfected in secondary school. The aggression continues through university and then in social circles, even at work. We find it oozing from dagger-eyed women who wouldn’t allow you a space in front of them when driving, and seething from fellow moms who feel they know it all and you are so dumb. If we’re honest, we’ll probably admit we all are guilty of this.

Many have said it’s because we are often insecure, others say we expect too much from each other. Well, there is always a good reason for everything we do. Ironically, we’re the very ones setting the moral compass, if we sit there with our girlfriends gossiping, judging and bringing down other women and being two-faced, and our daughters watch us do that, it teaches them to follow suit. Here is one woman’s reaction to this:
 
“Personally, I’ve had issues with keeping female friends and presently, I have only one good female friend. I do on occasion have to mix with some of the mothers in my community. Just listening to them, I find some of them quite mean. One would imagine, as grown-up women that we would rise above such things and act honorably. But I suppose one cannot have such high expectations, as it can be outside the realm of common sense. For the longest time, I’ve had issues with women over the years, from my very first friends on the playground who were mean, to elementary school where I had to deal with girls who clearly had issues, to secondary school where girls judged you.

It starts in primary school and is perfected in secondary school. The aggression continues through university and then in social circles, even at work. We find it oozing from dagger-eyed women who wouldn’t allow you a space in front of them when driving, and seething from fellow moms who feel they know it all and you are so dumb. If we’re honest, we’ll probably admit we all are guilty of this.

Even in the event of university, a couple of years ago, I met with some really rude and condescending girls. They looked like they belonged in the “Mean Girls” movie. It’s just sad. I find many women generally rude, intrusive, cruel, and condescending. Personally, I don’t stand for such nonsense. I’ve had women interested in being “buds” but honestly I’ve found it near impossible to trust women in general. Not that all women are bad, but a lot of them have not grown up at all. In my community, they seem to care what shoes you wear, how you dress, how handsome your husband is, how you look, and if your kids measure up with their kids. Is it any of their business? No. That is why I just laugh and move along. From what I’ve learned, women are going to do what they’re going to do. Hopefully one day these women will grow up! We are all off of the playground now.”
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You may reach Grace via email: [email protected]. You can also follow her on twitter @GraceEssen and also follow her blog @Mum2MumAfrica.com.