By Hope Nwawolo
Personal observation has revealed that most families undergo serious siblings’ conflicts as they get into adulthood. In some cases, siblings of same parents tend to break into cliques among themselves and become antagonistic to the other group(s) while at the same time become supportive with siblings within the same clique, even when there is obvious reason to speak against members of same clique. This stance becomes deadly sometimes and in some cases is passed to the next generations of the same family. When it gets to this point, the parents of such siblings suffer the most emotionally as they are torn between their own children. Unfortunately, itmay also divide both parents as each may support a different clique in the same nuclear family. Some families have sad tales of the consequences of their siblings’ conflicts and are regretting not doing anything about it when it started
Who should take the blame for this sad degeneration of a family unity? When did the enemy against family unity rear his head to plant the seed of discord that seems to blossom at each passing day? Why does it seem almost impossible to nip this at the early stage? Can there ever be hope for restoration of siblings’ peaceful union, even at adulthood?
Building a strong family relationship should be an intentional and progressive project. This should commence and taken seriously from the onset of a union. Unfortunately, many parents in the past failed to display love before or to their children while raising them, denying them developing the habit of showing one another same love. This explains the popular saying that children learn from what they see their parents do. Therefore when young siblings do not get or see their parents exchange love pleasantries, they grow up not understanding what binds their family. Sometimes, siblings’ competition is unconsciously introduced early in the family when parents begin to compare their children with one another, failing to realize that each child is different and equipped with his own unique talents. Some children grow into adulthood with unspoken anger and jealousy against some of their siblings. This erupts with the slightest provocation at early adulthood when each person becomes relatively independent and out of parental control. Unfortunately, many parents fail to discern the implications of the sudden rude reaction of a sibling against another. This could be the right time to delve into the cause and probably understand that the child had been harboring some deep-seethed anger within and attempt should be made to resolve this in love.
Several other reasons can be attributed to the emergence of conflicts among siblings in their adulthood. The one that is likely to open the gate of conflicts in a family, is unresolved childhood internal anger. As pointed earlier, there are many families with lingering unresolved childhood issues that metamorphose into adult conflicts. An example is when an older sibling was denied the power or ego of authority before his younger ones during their childhood. Some parents talk down on their older children before the younger ones not realizing they are planting seeds of hatred in the heart of the older ones. On the other hand, the wise parents will usually insist early enough that the younger ones respect the older ones even if the age difference is one year. This is intentionally planting the principles of seniority and respect and they are likely to be exhibited in adulthood.
Another possible cause of siblings’ conflict may be traced to their personality differences as they grow into adulthood. Unfortunately, some parents suppress and ignore this at the young age. Each child begins to exhibit his own personality more conspicuously as he becomes independent with increasing age. At this time, temperament and communication styles can lead to misunderstanding. Nevertheless, if this is identified early in their growing years, parents can instil understanding, respect and love for each person’s unique personality which would likely prevent conflict among them in adulthood.
Perceived or actual parental favoritism towards a particular sibling may give rise to feelings of resentment in the other siblings which comes into display as they grow as adults. Some of today’s parents resolve not to reveal their favorite child in the family, to avoid siblings’ hatred towards one another in adulthood. Furthermore, as siblings grow, they develop different values and beliefs depending on their exposure outside home, vis a vis schools, church and peers interactions. It is important that parents instil strong family values and principles laced with love and respect among siblings that will see them through the rigors of adulthood.
The different personality of siblings brings different life style choices, such as career paths, relationships or parenting styles. Sometimes delay or inequality in achievement may bring about siblings’ rivalry, competition and jealousy. This can be made worse if parents are more drawn to the successful sibling, particularly if it is a younger one.
A very dangerous siblings’ conflict comes from family inheritance and financial matters which sometimes degenerate into legal battles among siblings. Unfortunately, many of the parents who over-looked the importance of a strong siblings’ bond at the early stage of family building, are deceased when the battleline is drawn. Those still alive get emotionally traumatized seeing their once innocent children at serious logger heads with one another as adults.
From the above, it is pertinent to point out that parents play a pivotal role in preventing, managing or resolving siblings ‘conflicts in the family. As early as possible, parents should strive to promote love as well as open and effective communication between siblings. They should also encourage empathy and understanding among the siblings, while providing guidance and support if and when conflicts arise.
*Hope Nwawolo, PhD