How to Inherit Nigeria

How to Inherit Nigeria

Thursday, June 2, 2022 1:45 pm

Ms Omoh Giwa

By Omoh Giwa

According to a certain philosopher who believed the meek would inherit the earth, it is with utmost displeasure that I write to advise you to disregard such wanton blasphemy. Now this might apply to other nations but will never be true for the Poverty Capital. The meek can never and will never inherit Nigeria. Do not ask me how I know this (when have I ever led you astray?) trust me. So to ensure you do not make the mistakes our parents made (believing the blatant lie that a patient dog eats the fattest bone), I wish to inform you on the steps available to inheriting Nigeria.

Do not confuse this inheritance to a property that Legal processes or the Law courts can acquire for you as this is bigger than any possession your parents in several lifetimes can possibly amass except they are descendants of a certain dictator that gifts us spending (stolen and embezzled) allowances every festive period from faraway Niflheim. To inherit Nigeria, there are two paths available to you. Well one is not available to everyone except those from a certain region.

You know how one tribe says they are born to rule, well, they weren’t kidding and I would advise that you take their slogan literally. Why do you think there was a revenge coup as though only their region experienced loss? (Their reaction can be likened to retaliating against a mutiny led by your slaves. Their effrontery would be both amusing and irritating) therefore if you belong to this category, I congratulate you as you proceed to claim your inheritance. The second approach does not apply to you so you can stop reading.
However, if you are a southerner, your chances of inheriting Nigeria go slimmer by the day but (there is light at the end of this tunnel) there are loopholes especially for this banana republic. This second phase (through the back door approach) has several techniques, so hang on tight as this information might be your only salvation out of obscurity.

If you are not a member of the exclusive ‘owners of Nigeria’ tribe, then your parents had better be political kingpins. Gone are the days where children of nobodies were invited into elitism. Look at the concluded party elections, sons and daughters of past and present political relics including an ex-convict (even the son of a rayban-wearing dictator won his party primaries). Did you hear of the state that had father, son and daughter winning tickets of the same party (as though there are no eligible contenders in that society)? Now if your biological parents are not political giants, then your adoptive ones must be. This might not work for you if the intending parents are not aware that you have adopted them (take for instance an embarrassed son of Lagos who thought himself a bird because he had wings).

Well, if you do not want the politics method, you can assume the billionaire-money laundering position. This is when you pose as a billionaire but really a money laundering front like we see in Hollywood movies. There are many examples in society but to avoid being sued for my laptop (my only worldly possession) I will not name names (think of the billionaire that eats with incumbent and opposition political party and have policies made to render his competition impotent). Consider those stores/businesses in highbrow areas that no one really patronises but the CEO drives the latest Benz or Range Rover (you think all of them are doing internet fraud) or the comedians and actresses that after one mediocre movie or skit will speak of the goodness of God while dedicating a mansion in one of those new estates along Lekki-Epe expressway. It is part of inheriting Nigeria.

There is the extremely dark and wicked path; internet fraud, money ritual or body organ harvesting which in my opinion is not inheriting Nigeria. Do not engage in such dastardly acts for a little stipend especially considering that you would not be as wealthy as Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos. So why murder sleep like Macbeth when you will not enjoy the crown? Ask Hushpuppy or the other one that EFCC collected his wristwatch collection. There can be no peace for the wicked.
The most recent and somewhat reliable approach is being a Nigerian delegate. Now this has nothing to do with the European/American culture of adding ‘-gate’ to a criminal event like the Watergate scandal and more recently the Partygate of the UK parliament. The Nigerian delegate is the holy grail of politics and to be chosen is to have instant access to wealth, influence and power. It seems Nigerian politics has adopted the Electoral College style of the Americans and the representatives chosen (Ad-Hoc/Statutory) delegate were lobbied and cajoled into choosing the highest/most influential bidder. Imagine the undeclared sum being passed around (many delegates collected from all the candidates while promising to deliver party ticket in their victim’s thighs) as we saw several videos of money being shared. Some shared foreign currencies while some gave miserly Nigerian notes and those that refused to play hardball decamped to another party that rhymes with Harbour. Sadly my personal favourite lost despite his money sharing formula and live band that spice his insults like proverbs.

However, as a delegate, you must sleep with one eye closed because the politicians you scammed during the day might hunt you at night with vigilantes and thugs which will cause you to regurgitate your hastily swallowed loot. Take for instance the man that made his delegates return his money or the one that did WWE smack down for the delegate that requested his balance.

So, where in this memo is meekness a criterion for inheriting Nigeria? Look at the honourable men and women who retire from the federal or state civil service that queue daily for their gratuity and pension (do you think the thieves amongst them come for gratuity? They have stolen and embezzled their pensions in a thousand folds). Thus, it should be said though meekness might be applicable to other nations of the earth, in Nigeria, only the mighty inherit the proceeds of the kingdom.
I wonder what our future holds if we didn’t sell our votes…

*Giwa writes from the University of Lagos.

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