By Omoh Giwa
Hello Lucifer,
I write humbly to your celestial self not to rant or bind you as my fellow Pentecostals are wont to. There are many quagmires that still my piss and the many personalities I have resurrected seem not to have the solutions to these problems hence my desire to enquire from the source of all evil.
I am bedazzled by your guts because I cannot imagine the levels of confidence required to challenge one’s creator. Take for instance Pinocchio, who wanted to become a real boy and forgot his maker, Geppetto, I do not need to tell you how that went. Your bravery should be commended at least you defied the status-quo yet I cannot imagine Nigerians and the political class challenging their godfathers and political warlords but you seem to be in a class of your own although I do not think you have benefitted from your rebellion (I often wonder what differentiates the successful Edo revolt from the failed one of 2018 in Lagos). I doff my hat to you.
I am not gutsy enough to challenge and query your rebellion or contest the empowerment of my village people and enemies, I merely desire confirmation of certain acts and decisions of our political minions in Nigeria as they are quick to blame you when they are caught with their pants down and hands dripping with our National honey. When they steal, kill and destroy, they blame you which is understandable but why do they blame you when they embezzle and misappropriate national funds? Those are not your qualities as described by the Bible. Even when they embezzled funds meant for the total and not technical defeat of Boko Haram, they blamed you. Take another instance, the decorated public officer that is being fingered for complicity in cybercrime and also named as a person of interest for missing drugs, be prepared that when irrefutable evidence is laid before him, he would blame and curse your existence, speak of your treachery and glibness like you did Eve many aeons ago.
However, there is no smoke without fire and if they all agree that you are the reason behind their fall from grace then it might be true and I need a rational explanation for this wicked thing you have pushed Bubu into (do not pretend like you do not know which act I refer to). I am unbothered about his nepotistic ideals, his delay in signing the electoral bill, failure to fulfil campaign promises, nonchalance towards Nigerians or his fanatical conversion values and tendencies. Mere drops of water compared to the flood about to descend on us, as such I must table it before your eminent presence.
I am beginning to consider that the problem which originated in the North has nothing to do with illiteracy or religion as many have theorised but is airborne and highly contagious but instead of physical symptoms, it affects and weakens the mind. If you follow this argument and consider it objectively, it explains the silence and docility of the South and the absence of opposition even at the National Assembly. Despite our Dictator’s blatant disregard for human lives and properties, Nigerians have been reticent and submissive like Fela’s description of zombies. The North clamoured for their turn to rule and produced a highly competent and experienced sectarian which has not favoured them even with reports of violence and chaos though there have been no measures to combat the increasing destruction in that region despite their Big Brother. This plague has eventually spread down South affecting even the famed petition writers in Ekiti.
Of all things to prove your power and influence over especially in Nigeria is to influence Bubu to donate one million dollars to Afghanistan? I humbly state, Sir, that this is your most nonstrategic yet chaotic plan ever recorded in the history of time. What has the Taliban got to offer Nigeria? When Jonathan gave Liberia half this figure in the world’s fight against Ebola, some do-gooders and well wishers of the nation and the past administration cautioned and rebuked him for such frivolities. They complained about the state of our economy and of what importance, combating the deadly virus jointly meant for the average Nigerian (they are awfully silent now). Please do not misquote me as such I must state that there can be no hidden agenda behind his action except foul play from you, the devil himself, hence my desire to speak with you personally. Our Moses that has led us out of Egypt (into the wilderness) cannot have plans to islamise the country as there is no precedence. More importantly, although we are drowning in debt, Afghanistan needs help from other under-developed and poor countries around the world (if the rich is friends with the rich, then the poor might as well band together). I can categorically admonish any conspiracy theorists trying to connect the extremism of the Afghan Taliban and the fanaticism and accusations of jihad against our Moses. My problem is our poverty level (communally and individually) which cannot afford our newly-possessed philanthropy to become economic godfathers to any nation.
Universities are closed in Nigeria as Academic Staff Union of Universities is protesting poor salary scales, poor conditions of lecture halls, laboratories caused by poor funding of existing tertiary institutions yet this government is gifting money to a country which shares the same business freedom index as Nigeria, comparable judicial effectiveness rate and a significantly lower unemployment rate according to georank.org. One would almost be led to believe that all is well with our nation and our coffers are full of gold and frankincense.
Lucifer, have you not caused enough havoc yet? The recent surge in drug use, heinous crimes, ponzi schemes amongst tomorrow’s tyrants (if you didn’t entice them, maybe they would be tormenting the country) yet you do not seem satisfied enough to take a break in agonising and afflicting my nation. You have gone ahead to possess the leader of the most populous black nation and turn the country on its head. The Hebrew God should have done more than curse you to crawl on your belly and bruise your head.
Ei! Forgive me dear! I have let my emotions get the better of me. Do not afflict or punish me further (procrastination is punishment enough, though I do not know what I have done to merit it) as you have punished the political crossing zebras who used to be voices of reasoning and have now been silenced for bread (or is it avoiding prison sentences). You have blocked their senses and deadened their conscience if not, why are they dining with many devils without the legendary long spoons?
Instead of binding and casting you into nonexistent bottomless pits, I am offering you a more viable position though unconventional. I implore you to release Nigeria temporarily at least until after our general elections next year (we cannot afford to have you tampering with our minds) while you continue tormenting our neighbours especially Ghana (considering the World Cup qualifiers). Don’t you know that absence makes the heart grow fonder? At least give us time to miss you.
P.S. Can you shut the door quickly while you take this deserved sabbatical from Nigeria? At least until a certain septuagenarian is headed your way? The heat is stifling the creativity in me. Thanks.
Giwa writes from the University of Lagos