The Trump Tariff ilLogic

Trump and Xi Jinping


Ena Ofugara

Trump: (To Chinese president Xi Jinping) We will place tariff on your goods

Xi Jinping: And what will you achieve by that?

Trump: That way you lose money

Xi Jinping: Em… just a little. Your American people will pay most of it. You are collecting money from Americans and just a little from our profit cos we will simply increase prices

Trump: We cannot allow you to keep making money off Americans

Xi Jinping: We will continue. You did not ban the goods. You only made Americans pay more for it. As long as Americans like to buy new shiny things and our workers collect so little to manufacture them, you can never win this trade war. No tariff will make an iphone made in China more expensive than an iphone made in the US. Trump, all your clothes and your daughter’s clothes and products are all made in China. Why are you deceiving your people like this?

Trump: We must do something about our dependence on you

Xi Jinping: Well, for starters, we are slamming tariffs on your farm produce. All your soybeans and the equipment to run these farms, let us see how your farmers will survive without Chinese buyers

Trump: We will bail them out

Ena Ofugara

Xi Jinping: If they were black, will you bail them out? Now that white men are broke, giving free government money is now a good thing? But you want to end welfare programs. What you are doing with the farmers is the very definition of welfare program. People that can work and earn are surviving on DASHES from government.

Trump: How does that concern you?

Xi Jinping: How long will you keep bailing them out?

Trump: For as long as it takes to…

Xi Jinping: To what

Trump: To…

Xi Jinping: To win an election? Russians will do it for you again. Do not worry.

Trump: I have to do something about these farmers. They are white and in swing states like Iowa. If I lose these people, Biden will roast me. You know he is white and male, which means he is top of the food chain like me, unlike the female Hilary Clinton.

Xi Jinping: So you have come to your senses? You know killing Huawei is not worth you losing your election. You are losing white votes. The farmers are white and were Trumpers.

Trump: It is why I am here. Please borrow me some money

Xi Jinping: Why is America borrowing from us after all you have said about China and how maliciously you malign us who lend you money in times of need.

Trump: I will be needing this money

Xi Jinping: Why?

Trump: Because of the tariff

Xi Jinping: How?

Trump: I will be needing money to bail out these farmers and many other businesses while the tariff goes on

Xi Jinping: So we should lend you money so you can fight us successfully? Trump you dey do jazz?

Trump: Don’t worry. I am selling arms to those Muslims in Saudi Arabia. The plan is that they should start a war and we, you, Russia etc will make money.

Xi Jinping: Ok. But to the issue. So you said we should lend you money for what again?

Trump: I will pay you after the election.

Ci Jinping: When I said you were doing OYIBO WELFARE PROGRAM with this bailouts, you said “is it your money” to me. Well, it is MY MONEY.

Trump: If you don’t give me, I will bomb Kim Jong Un and North Korea

Xi Jinping: You too rake.