Bamidele Johnson
I just had the warped privilege of watching Falsephet Jeremiah Fufeyin hawk what he calls “Jerusalem sand” for $500 per bag. The sacred dust, he said, is not just sand, but a full-blown miracle in a ziplock. It will make its buyers build not just houses and estates, but cities while doubling as a cure for a wide variety of medical conditions.
Jerusalem sand might be the most complete product ever sold. A sand that moonlights as cement, iron rods, sharp sand, plastering sand, granite, urban planner, pharmacist, doctor and paramedic is one to get excited about. Delirious, even. The only thing missing from the product sheet is a guarantee that the sand enhances sexual performance. Thank heavens for that because had Fufeyin added that, Warri would be in a state of emergency by now, overrun by men storming his compound, his father’s, and even his ancestors’.
Nigerian men seem to prefer being centaurs in bed to landlords in life. Alleged performance-enhancing or organ-enlarging concoctions are more sought after than scholarships and even eternal life. This is where I think Fufeyin is missing a golden opportunity. If he’s serious about expansion, he should consider buying a horse (or abducting one from Ojude Oba), taking it to Warri and start bottling its urine for sale as Equine Elixir for Goliath Men. He should also invite their wives and girlfriends to simulate mares. That’d be some boon to the sexually dispossessed.
That said, some of us, despite our deep desire for miracle estates and cities, cannot afford $500. So we humbly suggest Fufeyin should “satchetize” the product like alcoholic bitters and make it available for the underclass.
And why, since the sand is truly from Jerusalem, is it not sold in shekels or denarii? A little historical flair would go a long way in scamming us with style. Man of dog, we beg you to consider the underclass. $500 no be beans na. You no even allow make we price am. At least let one person ask “how much last?” before you send ushers to drag them out.