Photos from the Nigerian Tribune and the Guardian newspapers show the two-faces of Janus.

Tunde Asaju

I hate what makes me sad, that’s why I stopped writing. Of what use is it taking panadol for other people’s headache? I have had cause to write about the bearded foggy in charge of the Minna préfecture.

Mohammed Baggo epitomizes how Nigeria prefers to select and ‘elect’ people who should be under strict supervision at the Federal Medical Centre in Bida but have luckily ‘won’ the right to occupy Government House, Minna. Allah works in marvelous ways now doesn’t He?

Enemies of the Power State claim that the state faces a lot of challenges. A substantial chunk of the state is under the siege of insurgents who, like Umar Bago suffer from bouts of schizophrenia but who, unlike him have access to AK-47 and AK-49. They want to take back the state to 600 AD. They shoot anyone who is opposed to their plans, rape the women and girls and kidnap the children. They believe they’d get compensation for doing the work of faith. Believe me not, but they have supporters in town who are waiting for them to overrun the secular state and impose a faith-based paradise on earth.

Many schools and palaces in Niger State have become refugee camps. Under such conditions, an elected government would be pre-occupied with rescuing the state from the spiritually hallucinated. That would be bad for the spiritual optics of the man who have transformed from a clean-shaven man to a well-trimmed beard, well-dyed bigot.

On days when he is not busy doing nothing, his handlers have to find something to keep him from lining them up for flogging. Alhamdullilahi that governors are not allowed to carry arms, otherwise this Caliph would be shooting people for the fun of it!

As with most schizophrenic, Bago governs by visions. Now the djinns have been telling him the origin of all the troubles of the power state. Alas, the reason trailers have been falling, and really refugees have been multiplying is because there are too many dreadlocks in the state. Shave all those with dreadlocks and all the troubles of Niger State would be over. Internally generated revenue would increase, federal allocation would go up and life would start getting better within minutes. And that is what Bago has done – order anyone with dreadlocks to be shaved.

Come to think of it, that would be lots of jobs for mai-haske and revenue generation for the state. The state gets a spiritual reward, law-enforcement officers get extortion allowance and everyone with delusional tendencies is happy.

If you wear dreadlocks, pray that Google’s GPS doesn’t directs you to cross the FCT boundaries. Better safe than wait for legal shenanigans.

Now, this is not the first time this psycho has displayed why he should naturally be unfit for public office and it won’t be the last, trust me on that.

In the early days of life in the FCT, residents used to drive to Suleija to enjoy a local drink – boomie (palm wine). Everyone that passed by the grotto were required to come down and drink their quota. Before long, crimes increased, men were mingling with women and making illegitimate babies, the once-fertile soil stopped being fecund and the Niger River began to overflow its banks.

That was when Sheikh Kure rose up to the challenge of cleansing the land. He’d halt the convoy on his way to Abuja for the national handout to set the palmie grotto on fire. As he did that, the economy of the state increased and the people that could resist everything except temptation stopped drinking immediately. Gold started sprouting on top of palm trees and Niger became known as the land of gold. Kure left and the people returned to their wayward ways breeding disasters once again.

I love this side of Bago. Kogi, my home state has a Governor whose gender is unknown to him. Edo has one that promised to increase insecurity and is delivering on it. It is always good to know that we are not alone, after all, stupidity loves company.

Can’t wait for baldness to start growing gold again. After all, in certain parts of our Africa, people slaughter the baldheaded believing that their heads grow gold. If the Niger economy doesn’t beat Lagos, Kano and Rivers by June, call somebody a bastard. I know my own father and he acknowledged me.

*Tunde Asaju, journalist and public affairs analyst, writes from Canada