By Omoh Giwa
I will not even begin to assault your sagacity by asking how you are faring because how well can one fare in this sinking sand. Though it would seem as if we have escaped the heat from fuel scarcity and broken power grids, do not get me started on food inflation. I have however, taken a turn (like graduates of zoology that become interior designers) from writing unacknowledged missives (I don’t know if the unavailability of the receivers or the unreliability of our postal system is to blame) to undertaking painstaking research so you don’t have to. I have studied the schemes and tactics needed in becoming a presidential aspirant used by the political class which might become useful should you decide to join their ranks. You’re welcome!
You might query the importance of such a guide but considering that our political fossils are coincidentally stuck to the corridors of power, I believe someone has to document these things for posterity in the event that you’re interested in this sort of thing.
There are several approaches to becoming a presidential aspirant available for selection when your mind is made up to explore this path though I advice you set forth early. Although some of these approaches are obsolete, (what God cannot do, does not exist) never say never right? One of these obsolete options is to join the armed forces and rise through the ranks. When you are at a reasonable level and influence, execute a coup d’état or have someone else carry it out for you and install yourself Tyrant and Dictator of the Most Populous Black Nation. Do not concern yourself with earthly mundane morals when you have the option to return as a civilian dictator, benevolent in wickedness and cleared of all past crimes against humanity (even the Good Book says, Old things have passed away so why will Nigerians remember your atrocities). Should you die in the process, you will be remembered as a benevolent idealistic revolutionary who wanted to change the status quo in Nigeria.
If you are scared of death, there is the political activist or labour union approach which is foolproof. Be vocal about the plight of the average Nigerian, organise media rounds and take a lot of pictures in the slums of Ajegunle or the Niger Delta creeks, sue the government and become a thorn in their flesh. When you have gathered the necessary fame and influence, we would unanimously reward your struggles with Governor, Edo State and you can become a godfather and become the very thing you fought against in your humble beginnings. No matter how much your detractors rain on your parade, they can do nothing as long as you do not bite the fingers holding the reins of power.
Disregard the vilifiers who say you are soiling your family’s legacy and quote archaic proverbs about good names being better than gold. These are all lies and have nothing to do with your aspirations. If they see a truck of gold bars let them not take it as if a good name can buy you a Lamborghini Aventador. Take for instance the SoroSoke people on Twitter that have started collecting campaign money from the very political caste they labelled demons. What is in a name… in the face of ambition when one presidential aspiration is worth one bird at hand than the elusive good practiced only on holy days.
There’s the godson approach which works wonders irrespective of ideologies, beliefs or philosophies. Trust me, this is the easiest method. Identify the infallible ruling party in your state, align with the major godfather and be at his beck and call as you don’t want to be cast away after one term. If he asks you to jump, ask how high? If he says shoot, shoot first even if your grandmother or children will be caught in the crossfire (of what use is family when they cannot secure you presidential nomination?). If you are unmarketable with a dubious past, this should not bother you as your godfather (if you chose right) will be in the business of image-laundry (your smooth transition into sainthood is directly dependent and proportional to the strength and influence of your political allies). Moreover, we are a forgiving nation as long as you dangle occasional gifts and giveaways.
There’s the godson approach which works wonders irrespective of ideologies, beliefs or philosophies. Trust me, this is the easiest method. Identify the infallible ruling party in your state, align with the major godfather and be at his beck and call as you don’t want to be cast away after one term. If he asks you to jump, ask how high? If he says shoot, shoot first even if your grandmother or children will be caught in the crossfire
You also need to be intuitive in this game that is a swinging pendulum, the foreknowledge to know when to jump ship so you are not left holding the short-end of the lot is important . You do not want to be a nobody holding a dying party’s ticket.
Another important milestone is to get a support group using the acronyms of your name or alias which would do you bidding at all times. In fact you must have control of the support group and they should occasionally pay for newspaper adverts and radio jingles to celebrate you especially on festive days. Please do not question the importance of these groups because who will buy your nomination forms and pressure you to apply for these positions? We are a religious nation that celebrates murderers, thieves, racketeers, occultists and thugs but the one thing we cannot manage is pride. Do you not know that the Bible preaches against a haughty spirit? So imagine being interviewed on TV and you say that you decided to contest for president because YOU think you have the qualities and can turn the economy around. Preposterous! Blasphemy! Who cares if there is evidence of your claims? This is what support groups are for.
Asides from the White-collared professionals in your support group, you will also need artisans, traders and farmers who will often crowd-fund for your campaign because when the low-levelled proletariat believes in your mission who are the less than 10% bourgeoisie to question your claim of being loved and accepted by the people?
However, do not get carried away because you are a modern caricature of the biblical Moses, who was destined to lead, see but not enter the Promised Land. Be content because this is not your goal. Your goal which is to be called to a meeting with the President, a member of your Party, is to request for a ministerial or senatorial position when you have been asked to step down for the preferred selected candidate irrespective of the exorbitant nomination form fee.
I wish you luck and hope this manual helps you in your endeavours!
Giwa writes from the University of Lagos