By Omoh Giwa
Dear Ukrainian Returnees,
I cannot, for fear of your reaction, ask how you are though I know you cannot in all sincerity be faring well thus it would come off as mockery if I told you WELCOME HOME.
You probably left Nigeria with hopes as high as Everest, your social media post of ‘welcome to a new dispensation’. To crown it, the 20.10.2020 saga probably was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back and pushed you to search for greener pastures across the ocean. Alas, the Nigeria you left behind is not the Nigeria you’re returning to. There have been changes and I am not convinced you will like them. There is no point flogging a dead horse so I will try not to bore you with these details (you have weightier issues). I cannot say if things are worse than when you left but there have been changes.
Do not get me started on the presidential aspirants and their antics but I should mention that it has been accepted that life begins at 69. Should I mention the fuel scarcity or you have been informed about our old friend? The gist was, a subsidiary of NNPC or was it Duchess or Totality but someone imported adulterated fuel though there has been no committee to probe this matter, so I cannot confirm this gist. But what I can confirm is the long queues, black market and ‘knocked engines’. It might interest you to know that some parts of Nigeria have remained perpetually black as the soot in Port Harcourt. I wore a wrinkled shirt to work this week and didn’t feel odd, we were all in wrinkled shirts and trousers.
We have returned to the days of Anini who would inform the authorities of his intention to rob a particular bank and would do it. The ones that raided banks in Uromi, though did not send mails, had a field day undisturbed walking in and out of several banks with sacks full of ‘raw’ cash. The most interesting part in the videos that circulated the media were the armed uniform men crouching and hiding, trying so hard to blend into the scenery to avoid being detected by the criminals. I have refused to mention the bloody body of the slain security man seen in the video before you think this is an attempt to ask you to crowd-fund for the departed’s widow and children. Please dear, keep your remaining foreign currencies; you need it more than the rest of us at least add it to the forty-eight thousand from our government.
Are you aware of the inflation and the high cost of living in Nigeria? The price of foodstuff and other necessities so high; you would think we were aiming for the heavens. I hope you do not think the fuel scarcity is the hardest problem we are facing at the moment? The unavailability of the fuel or the possibility of it destroying your generators or cars is the least of my worries. It is the toll fee many stations ask us to pay before joining the everlasting queues to buy fuel at 200-250 naira per litre.
I have deviated and gone on a lengthy tirade about my problems but this is not why I want to talk to you before you get carried away by your new ‘I just got back’ status’. I know most of you sold everything and burned several bridges in your quest and search for Nirvana (please let us not pretend that you relocated and auctioned your belongings because of an insane desire for education and knowledge. Spare us the theatrics). You sold your meagre possessions and escaped the hellhole that is Nigeria but my fear is your hasty return is not a well-thought and conceived plan. I think you should have stayed in Ukraine. Is it not better to be a living dog than a dead lion? Do not confuse this analogy~ Nigerians are the dead lions. The self-proclaimed giants of Africa, the super flops at the recently concluded African games, rumours of Cameroon encroaching our lands, there is nothing living about Nigeria.
If Nigeria was the home that could welcome you with open arms where are your First Parents? The first wife has been on an extended sabbatical in Dubai (our governors’ wives even went to felicitate with her on the inauspicious birthday and kept crooning and crowing ‘api baiday tew yew’). What about our Boss? As usual, vacationing in London (the dream life he must be living) yet you thought it a good idea to return here. What is good about this your idea? What demon must have possessed you to come back to the Hades you escaped? Look at your colleagues at the Ukrainian embassy begging to help them fight Russia but you returned to do what? Collect 10 thousand from N-Power? Join the hordes of Nigerian students just snubbed and disrespected by the Honourable Minister?
I think you should have stayed back to show loyalty and solidarity with the Ukrainians and they might have bestowed you with permanent residency or citizenship depending on the number of Russians you waste. You might want to contest my position but consider African Americans in America and the slaves that returned to Liberia. Ignore the racism and police brutality the American Slaves have to endure but is it not better than being associated with the Black Continent. What is the worst that could have happened; death by missile? Is it not better to die quickly than the numerous deaths we die living in Nigeria?
The traffic in Lagos, non-existent health care, boko haram, Fulani bandits, nepotism, congestion, pollution, armed robbery attacks, police brutality or worse death by falling trailer?
You claim there is no war in Nigeria but Ukraine still has uninterrupted light, internet facilities even food but what does peaceful Nigeria have? I hope you have not dropped your sigh of relief because this is the typical frying pan to fire analogy. Even our leader absconded before he could hand-over to his second-in-command.
Anyway, Nno! Join us in digging this hole.
*Omoh Giwa writes from Lagos