Grace Essen

By Grace Essen

There is a difference between giving and sacrifice. The intention of every mom is to give to the ones she loves, but when we are sacrificing ourselves, we are no longer giving. We seek to fully give but we consciously or unconsciously lose ourselves – our connection to our core and what we want as individuals. And continually doing this, we end up feeling tired, burned out, and grumpy. When we feel this way we find it hard to stay focused on our personal goals and aspirations like starting and growing a business, going back to school for an added qualification, focusing and completing professional exams or even getting a job.

A mom friend of mine has picky eaters for husband and kids. She spends so much time and energy trying to satisfy them and often feeling so overwhelmed. She said to me once that trying to get the right food for her family is more difficult than when she was doing her master’s degree!

Relationships require a delicate balance between having clear boundaries and yet not being too shut off from people in our lives. Having too many boundaries means we are too self-focused and we lose the opportunity to be deeply connected and to give to our loved ones.

If right now you are struggling with balancing your many roles in a way that does not allow you to lose yourself, I want you to know that you are not alone, most moms including me are struggling with that too. Here are a few ways you can begin to set boundaries and still be there for your loved ones:

For me, I had to come to the point of being aware that I didn’t have a life after I became a mom. It was as though there was no ‘me’. Day-to-day activities were basically what everyone else wanted, how they wanted it, and when they wanted it. Even going to work felt a bit like doing it for others and not because I enjoyed it. You know how we often make a joke when we say, “…after all who are we working for, if not for our kids?!”

Becoming aware led to the next step – making the decision to take my life back. Now I consistently check in with myself to know how I am showing up in the relationship with my family and everyone else, how I am giving of myself, and whether I am losing myself. Basically it requires checking in on a daily basis with my core self. What is it that I need for myself today? How do I stay connected to who I am as an individual? You too can take a look at your life, how much of your day do you dedicate to yourself and your personal goals after meeting the needs of everyone else?

If you find it difficult to say ‘no’ to your kids and to everyone else, that might be an indication that you may be sacrificing yourself, and you have to quickly learn to say ‘no’ without feeling bad or guilty. Start by saying ‘no’ to small things that might feel easier and then build up to the bigger things. If the person you are saying ‘no’ to doesn’t want to listen, you have to hold firm to your decision and express your own needs and wants. Making such commitment to ourselves helps us know we won’t have to sacrifice our needs to do what others want all the time.

Some other ways that I’ve found to enable me give without losing myself is taking quiet time each day to meditate, breathe, or otherwise just have a ‘ME time’. It helps to make sure I’m not just doing activities while neglecting my own needs. Remember, when we fill our own cups up, only then can we be better moms and partners too.

Here‘s what someone said about the subject of giving and sacrificing: Giving, generosity and being of service come from our own sense of fullness—“I have, therefore I give” (not “I don’t have enough, therefore I give more”). When we are in more consistent contact with our own fullness, then we are able to give to others in a much more beneficial and profound way. Giving from your own greatness is what it really means to be of service. Make sure you are in contact with your “enoughness” before you start giving away. Catch yourself when you are “giving,” but it doesn’t feel good—and call it out for what it is: sacrifice! And stop doing it. You and your relationships will benefit greatly from this simple shift.

Having the opportunity to truly give something to someone else – your baby, your partner, a neighbor, anybody, whether by words, compassion, your time or even a gift makes you feel so good thereafter. Why? Because in a way you were receiving too. And that’s what it’s about. With consistent focus on the balance of honoring your relationships while also honoring yourself, it becomes easier to give and motherhood becomes much more enjoyable.

Please share your thoughts. Thank you!

You may reach Grace on 08061367203, via email: [email protected]. Follow her on twitter @GraceEssen, find her on Facebook, and check out her blog @Mum2MumAfrica.com.