Grace Essen
While I wrote the series on domestic violence and abuse against women which I titled When Silence Is Not Golden, a male reader patiently waited for me to round off and called my attention to the fact that women contribute to domestic violence in many ways including provocations and constant nagging, and how men are also victims of domestic abuse, I saw the need to balance the issue. For so long, domestic violence has been perceived and talked about exhaustively as women’s issue. Incidentally, the reality is a lot of men, just like women, are made to endure physical, verbal, economical, emotional and psychological abuse in silence; their self-esteem slowly but gradually eroding away as the abuse continues.
Imagine your boss appeared in the office one morning with a bruise on his forehead, a black eye and blood-stained shirt, wouldn’t you assume he had been in a fight with another man, or had some form of accident? But what if you found out he had been beaten by this wife that morning and he had no access to the house to change his shirt? Wouldn’t you just laugh and call him a weakling?
For men who go through domestic abuse it is rather not an issue for discussion as it is shameful and embarrassing for a man to have a wife that can beat him up or hurt him. The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable that many men will never mention let alone attempt to report the situation. Women who get beaten easily get help and shelter while being counseled that she has a right to a peaceful marriage or a relationship that is free from violence from her partner, the man is often on his own.
The dynamics of domestic abuse and violence is different between men and women so also the impact. In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women. For men or women, domestic violence includes pushing, slapping, hitting, throwing objects, forcing or slamming a door or striking the other person with an object, or using a weapon.
However, what will hurt a man mentally and emotionally, can in some cases be very different from what hurts a woman. Unkind and cruel words hurt, but to men and women they hurt in different ways and linger in different ways. Men are more likely to be deeply affected by emotional abuse than physical abuse. For some men, being called a coward, impotent or a failure can be quite devastating and will have a very different psychological impact than it would on a woman.
A man may easily tolerate or even “brush off” a physical assault by a woman in front of other men as a way of saying he is strong and also demonstrate to other men that he can live up to the code of never hitting a woman. But humiliating the man verbally or emotionally in front of other men can be more devastating. Verbal, emotional abuse and sexual deprivation are areas where women are often more “brutal” than men. Men on the other hand are quicker to resort to physical abuse and are more capable of physical assaults that can lead to serious injuries, disabilities or death.
Are women fighting back?
While it might seem that women are fighting back, many disagree and there are studies to back this up. Studies show that most domestic violence is reciprocal, meaning both men and women are violent with each other. When the violence is only one-sided, over 70% of the time the female is the aggressor. Also, studies show that lesbian relationships have the highest rate of domestic violence while gay male relationships have the lowest with straight couples in the middle…now isn’t that shocking?
Do women encourage culture of violence?
A Glasgow doctor who had some female patients admit to him that they batter their husbands in front of their children said mothers and wives should be held accountable for perpetuating violence in society. While he accepts that the majority of domestic violence is carried out by men, he argues that blaming men for all the violence in society is ignoring the truth, and therefore unhelpful in rooting out aggression. Unless we face up to the fact that women also play a part, we will only be paying lip service to the issue and will not be able to tackle the spate of violence in our society.
We mothers bring up our sons – the men, and so we should take some responsibility for encouraging macho behavior and violent tendencies in them. Do we consciously or unconsciously condition our children to be violent? How can we help our children learn to express emotions in more positive ways? Should campaigns be solely focused on male violence against women or violence as a whole, irrespective of gender? To tackle abusive behaviour in the society we must start by breaking the silence over abusive behaviour by men as well as women.
Please share your thoughts. Thank you!
You may reach Grace via email: gracessen@gmail.com. Follow her on twitter @GraceEssen, find her on Facebook, and check out her blog @Mum2MumAfrica.com.