Grace Essen

By Grace Essen

Last week I started a discourse on the spate of domestic violence in Nigeria and other parts of the world. I cited a few cases that resulted in deaths of the women involved, others were only lucky to escape alive. Those are only few that made it to the public domain, thanks to social media; many more go unreported because we choose to keep silent.

Domestic violence can be described as the power misused by one adult in a relationship to control another and the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence. There are other forms of abuse in relationships and marriages such as verbal, psychological/emotional abuse, sexual and economic abuse. Although there is almost always pressure to define domestic abuse in terms of actual or threatened physical violence. A little more explanation might be helpful here so we understand that spousal abuse is not only limited to physical violence.

Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip away at the confidence and independence of the victim with the intention of making her compliant and limiting her ability to leave. It includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming and shaming, also isolation, intimidation, threats of violence and controlling behaviour. Many abused women described the psychological effects of domestic abuse as having a more profound effect on their lives- even where there have been life-threatening or disabling physical violence.

Rape and sexual abuse occurs when an individual is forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe or degrading sexual activity. This is common in most abusive relationships because a women’s right to consent is likely to be ignored. Research also indicates that women who are raped by their husbands or partners are likely to suffer severe psychological affects because of the prolonged level of fear they are likely to experience.

Economical abuse this is where one intimate partner has control over the other’s access to economic resources, which diminishes the victim’s capacity to support herself and is forced to depend on the perpetrator financially. It also includes the control of someone’s present or future earning potential by preventing them from obtaining a job or education. Financial abuse involves the illegal or unauthorized use of a person’s money, property, pension book or other valuables, including changing the person’s will to name the abuser as beneficiary, fraudulently obtaining power of attorney, deprivation of money or other property or by eviction from own home.

It is not surprising that there are insufficient data on domestic violence in Nigeria. This is primarily due to the stigma surrounding this issue. Fear and shame have encouraged the continued silence surrounding domestic violence. However, the National Demographic and Health Survey in 2008 showed that domestic violence cuts across all socio-economic and cultural backgrounds. 28 per cent of women, almost a third of all women in Nigeria, have experienced physical violence, a significant number in a country of almost 160 million, where almost half are women. Surprisingly a significant number of young women, including the unmarried, believe that there are justifications for domestic violence.

Domestic violence occurs on the grounds of matters such as burning the food, arguing with the husband, going out without asking permission, neglecting the children, refusal to have sexual intercourse, poor cooking skills, ‘inadequate’ apology for wrong doing, etc. From last week’s discourse we can include – not opening door/gate on time, not responding with ‘sir’, and not ‘liking’ Facebook status …

It is not surprising that there are insufficient data on domestic violence in Nigeria. This is primarily due to the stigma surrounding this issue. Fear and shame have encouraged the continued silence surrounding domestic violence. However, the National Demographic and Health Survey in 2008 showed that domestic violence cuts across all socio-economic and cultural backgrounds. 28 per cent of women, almost a third of all women in Nigeria, have experienced physical violence, a significant number in a country of almost 160 million, where almost half are women

A mother of three had been married for about 5 years and not able to earn a living because her husband wouldn’t let her. He cut off her family saying they were not welcome in their home and she had no right to go out without his permission. He beat her at the slightest provocation and calls her names. Whenever that happened, he took away her phone and would not provide money for family upkeep. She and the kids would have to stay hungry after they exhaust the last baby’s cereal. That’s how so easily almost all forms of abuse happen in just one relationship!

Why do women continue to stay in marriages or relationships where they are continuously abused?

Economic reasons. Most women are not able to support themselves and their children and so they are forced to depend on the abusive partner for support.
Stereotyping and bias against women. In a society where women are mostly blamed for marriage failures, women prefer to stick around than be judged by the society.

When children are involved, women find it difficult to leave due to fear that they could be denied access to their children.

Loneliness results when a marriage or relationship ends and not many can bear it.

Status. Many women want to remain ‘married’ and the only way is to stay, no matter what.

Stigma (embarrassment to family). Even loved ones feel embarrassed when a woman leaves her marriage and they don’t hide it. The fear of rejection makes women to stay.

Justifying violent actions. Some women see abuse as a ‘sign of love’, others hold unto unending promises to change for better, so why should they leave?!

What’s the way out? Let’s discuss that next week.

You may reach Grace via email: [email protected]. You can follow her on twitter @GraceEssen, find her on Facebook, and also follow her blog @Mum2MumAfrica.com.