By Ena Ofugara

Okay, Nigerians and Christians will say IMPOSSIBLE! They will say that that is tantamount to “prophesying negativity into your marriage”. It is the same thing they say about writing WILLS. It is until a man dies and his wife who helped him build his house and business is thrown out of his house and left penniless and homeless by a useless son from an earlier yeye relationship that people know the importance of WILLS. Same goes for marriage.

Yes we all wish and pray for the best, but the truth is that with divorce rate at 50 per cent in the US and rising steadily in Nigeria and the rest of the world, teaching couples how to divorce may be the best thing to do.

Yes Jesus only gave one condition for divorce. The only grounds he gave was UNFAITHFULNESS. The Roman Cathlic church even refused that condition at least till recently. This position is what broke England from the Roman Catholic church as a King wanted to divorce and remarry, something the pope said NO to. That is how much people have needed to separate from a bad marriage, enough to free England from papal control.

Speaking of bad marriages. Would we rather see people killed or kill themselves instead of divorcing? At least now with top pastors divorcing and many remarrying, the whole “for better for worse” is now understood as Utopian and the ideal …YES, but many times an impossible ideal. Thus should people not be educated on how to do something that has a 50 percent chance of happening?

Look at divorces today, there is so much at stake. Careers and reputations of people are on the line. The children are damaged from the hateful things said of their parents, by their parents, encouraged by the society. Friends and family are torn apart, choosing sides. It is just ugly. Kefee’s career was tottering and many people wrote me that my defense of her reproduced on Linda Ikeji’s blog and a few dailies was why they were able to listen to her music again. Today it is Tiwa Savage going through the same thing.

No really, is it not sad that the very person with whom you have been literally naked before, that you have told everything and knows everything about you; someone you have farted in their presence freely now comes and says things about you…true or false just because you are parting ways? Should such details not be considered “privileged information” as is that of lawyer and client, doctor and patient, psychologist and patient etc? Should such details not be left buried in the rubles of the marriage?

Aijay Ofugara says of divorces “both parties must realize that they FAILED and just keep quiet in shame”. or something near that. Instead people grant damaging interviews about their relationships, interviews. and rant on twitter and facebook and talk trash to relatives and friends…things that that do nothing for them but instead make people living miserable lives of their own have something to feel good about.

Let us look at the Tiwa Savage example. Let us just think about the product of that marriage, JAMIL or so, the baby. . Tomorrow that child will be told “your mother is an ashawo. Your grandma is a medicine woman. Your father is a failure and he is lazy and a coward who could not even do a simple thing right like commit suicide. If you cannot kill yourself, what can you do right? Your mother cannot even cook. You were brought up with restaurant food. Are you even sure your father is your father? Your eyes are Don Jazzy’s okpolo eyes and your leg look like maybe your grandfather Justus Esiri’s leg in Things Fall Apart.”

Really I was close to Deji, MonaLisa’s ex husband and I begged my amigo not to respond. I felt the same of Alec Godwin who I believe is a very nice chap. No one is ever completely wrong in a divorce and both partners must realize that no matter how they spin the tale, THEY FAILED. And this is not restricted to stars. We just hear their tales more. Yours truly personally know more about stupid talk when you part with a woman, forgetting the nice times you both shared and what you both have done for each other.

It is why I am taking this radical position and rewriting marriage vows to look like this
“______, wilt thou have this woman/man to be thy wedded wife/husband to live together after God’s ordinance in the Holy Estate of matrimony? Wilt thou love her/him? Comfort her/him, honor and keep her/him, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others keep thee only unto her/him as long as you both shall live? And should life happen and sadly you both fail to live up to this vow, do you both promise to be responsible enough to STFU (shut the fuck up) when your marriage goes under? Do you promise to stay off facebook, twitter and all social media to anounce the resons for your divorce?

“Do you venerate the fact you have been naked in all thngs before each other and protect that nakedness before the world? Do you promise to put the interest of your children, should you have any, ahead of any vendetta and hurt? Do you promise to use an arbitrator appointed by the court to share properties if any and to respect the decision and forever remain silent as you part ways in peace and love under God? Do you agree to pay legal damages to the other party should any details of the marriage be placed in public space and which has the potential to damage the other?

If they say yes, only then should the presiding priest say “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

Yes it is totally revolutionary, BUT ABOUT TIME.