Tunde Asaju

By Tunde Asaju

– There’s a workaholic in the villa.
– Would you stop nit-picking the president as if you’re a stone who’ll never get sick.

– Very seriously, there’s a man in the Villa who takes his job very seriously. Our veepee. Check his busy diary these past few days as acting president.
– Y-e-s!

– For instance, he sent Onoghen’s name to the Senate; made trips to places regarded as hotbeds of political opposition. In Port Harcourt, Wike gave him an endorsement. He chaired a 7-hour Federal Executive Council meeting that gave birth to a new health policy. Under him Yakubu’s millions were ‘recovered’ and forfeited to the government by order of the courts, not by presidential fiat.
– Huum, the way you people are eulogising this man are you not setting him up for a head-butt with his boss and the new cabal.

– But seriously, he convened the first National Economic Council, NEC meeting for the year. Except the outrageous N250 million gatehouse in the FCT budget, he has managed to steer clear of scandals.
– Okay o.

– But seriously, it’s not just him, his media guru’s single tv appearance was adjudged better than the controversial appearances of his colleagues on the other side.
– How?

– Like the illogicality of the other guy who confirmed that his principal is hale and hearty because he speaks to people around him unmindful of the comical semblance of MC Tagwaye. Like a doctor making a diagnosis without examination or case history.
– Huum!

– He was alleged to have badmouthed a loudmouth so seriously in a live radio debate that the other guy angrily stormed out of the studio.
– Hahaa, the story was debunked and friends have since reunited the duo across the divide.

– The Yoruba have a saying… 
– That… 

– Ka koko ja ka to tun re, are ole dabi are apilese… 
– Meaning?

– A friendship cemented with the ashes of discord is usually not as strong as one built on unbroken trust.
– You must be one of those who believe that friendship is broken after friends need the intervention of the courts to settle a matter.

– Well, since you’re waxing exegetical let me remind you that Christ advised rapprochement with your adversary before he gets to the judge who could deliver you to the jury who would then put you behind bars until you’ve paid restitution.
– Charlatan, you won’t leave the gospel interpretation to those ordained to handle them.

– On that matter, our friend should have urged his heckler to remain in the studio and debate facts, but he was there smiling like a bride that has just seen the end of her husband’s ditched girlfriend.
– Ha!

– Yes.
– Anyway, something caught my attention in the line-up of the achievements of Sai Baba’s extra tyre!

– You mean acting president…?
– Yes, you said Naija has a new health plan.

– Yes o, the third in our nation’s lifespan.
– So, what does it say?

– It hopes to promote health as a weapon for socio-economic development putting emphasis on primary healthcare.
– Good sound bite!

– I knew it.
– You knew what?

– That you won’t acknowledge a significant milestone when you see one. Too cynical. You’re a foreign-based wailer and closet Sai Baba hater. You sit in the comfort of your second slavery in the West freeloading on unhinged Wi-Fi to denigrate and disparage your own government and country. Shame!
– I will ignore the verbal tirade, the modus operandi of the hurray-crowd and make issue-based arguments. For instance, does this new policy ban health tourism by rulers?

– Did I not say it? I knew where you were going.
– We can’t allocate more money to State House Clinic than we do to university teaching hospitals put together and yet be unable to diagnose or treat ear infections. Seriously, where is our national pride – yielding our president into the hands of European housemasters?

– I knew it.
– We can’t leave manufacturers groping for foreign exchange to secure raw materials to employ our youths and produce while squandering the little official forex we have paying for people to go and play pussycat in London.

– Play pussycat in London?
– Yes now, remember your nursery rhyme.

– Nursery rhyme?
– Yesl, pussycat, pussycat, where have you been? I’ve been to London to visit the President.

– Saboda Allah!
– Pussycat, pussycat what did you there? I saw the president is hale and hearty.

– Chiaie!
– So if he’s hale and hearty what’s stopping him from returning home to do the work we employed him to do?

– We all get ill.
– Or are those going to London now there like the three wise men going to Naija house to see their president wrapped in swaddling clothes?

– Aren’t you veepee hailers making room for a re-enactment of the Saul and David debacle?
– Excuse me.

– After David killed only one giant, Goliath the women sang that a battle-tested Saul has killed thousands while the giant-slayer David has killed ten thousands. Of course the old warrior was angry and that was where the life-long plot began. So, don’t start a similar war between Sai Baba and his Osinbade!
– Nonsense, ingredients and konkobility.

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