Ifedayo Babalola

‘My cousin voted for change in the Ondo State elections.’
‘He lives there?’ Lanky asks.

‘Yes. He’s been working there for eight years now.’ Shorty throws a piece of peppered fried meat in his mouth. ‘He takes these things very seriously, my cousin.’
‘That makes much sense,’ agrees his drinking pal. ‘It’s time for The APC to govern The Sunshine State.’

‘You are getting it wrong, my friend. Look, I don’t really know how to explain this, but my cousin voted for PDP.’
Lanky drops the raised glass of beer back on the table without a sip. He shakes his head slowly, his face masked in pity and incredulity. ‘PDP Change, did you say? ….. What’s your cousin on?’

‘He’s not a drinker, if that’s what you are insinuating. Come to think of it though. The young man has a valid point. He explained that PDP presented itself as the most promising “Change” party going by the countless number of times their candidate transformed before the elections.’
‘That’s an odd thinking….’

‘Yeah. Odd but somehow sensible.’ Shorty drains his cup and fills up again. ‘Besides, the governor-elect has just announced that his administration will be a continuuuuum of the present one. So no change there.’
‘Very accurate. Is your cousin a prophet then?’

‘Not at all. All the prophets are in Lagos.’

The Staff Club is a bit crowded this evening, thanks to the hot, stuffy weather. Lanky loosens his shirt buttons half way. If he has his way, he’d station the hot-blowing fan on himself; but a bar fan is a shared facility, and he must make do with it’s intermittent thirty-second visits.

‘Too much hair,’ remarks Shorty. ‘That’s why you sweat. I think you should cut and shave.’
‘Then how shall they differentiate between us? Two bald men drinking?’

‘By our heights.’
‘You may grow taller still.’

‘Only if you lend me your hairs.’

They both laugh and sip and chew.

‘I wonder if he has congratulated him.’ Lanky says while beckoning at the barman to refill.
‘Yes. The Governor-elect has congratulated Mr. President. The Presido deserves the big “Thanks.”‘

‘Everyone is sending chummy messages to everyone. That’s a victory for democracy.’
‘Unfortunately democracy cannot answer back anymore.’ Shorty does a mocking face. ‘Must be turning in its grave though, the late democracy.’

‘There’s victory even in death, partner. But why be so negative?’

The short one scrutinizes his partner’s face for signs of sarcasm. It’s difficult to read accurately the intentions of a drinking fellow from his demeanour. ‘You think I’m being negative? I think you are being naive believing these politicians, taking their words at face value. Ok. Let me give you some free education. You won’t have to enroll in an Ondo State public school for this.’
He pauses to wet his throat before continuing.’Did you realize that magic and politics came from the same knowledge tree? Eh? That they are both tricks-based. That…..’

‘Save your beery breath, mate.’ Lanky cuts in uncharacteristically. ‘You are going to tell me that when magic needed a respectable face, it grew politics as a separate field, and that initially it was called politricks. I’ve heard all that before.’
‘Then apply what you’ve heard. If you do, you will realize that each congratulatory statement has it’s unique, coded message.’

‘Ok then. Tell us what Fayemi’s congrats means.’
‘Simple.’ Shorty says in a wise one tone. ‘It means “We don show am!”‘

‘Show who?’
‘Their former boss, of course! There is a new boss in town. A boss with real power.’

‘I see. How about Okorocha?’
‘Welcome to the club. You need any help, I’m available.’

‘Jimoh?’
‘Many things. Ntorrr to Mimiko and Fani-Kayode. It could also mean “Remember me when it is good for you” or “Time to pay me back.”‘

They laugh together. And sip. And down.

‘Ok then. Tell us what Fayemi’s congrats means.’
‘Simple.’ Shorty says in a wise one tone. ‘It means “We don show am!”‘
‘Show who?’
‘Their former boss, of course! There is a new boss in town. A boss with real power.’
‘I see. How about Okorocha?’
‘Welcome to the club. You need any help, I’m available.’
‘Jimoh?’
‘Many things. Ntorrr to Mimiko and Fani-Kayode. It could also mean “Remember me when it is good for you” or “Time to pay me back.”‘

They laugh together. And sip. And down.

‘You are so full of rubbish, my fellow.’ Lanky runs a finger across his rich hairy head as if searching for the next question. He finds it. ‘Ok. Here’s a hard one, smart fellow. What does Mimiko’s congratulatory message mean?’
‘You don’t know that? His anti-party message simply means “I plead for post-transition mercy o!” That’s written all over his congrats. Read between the lies, my friend!’

‘I bet that has paid off, hasn’t it?’
‘Yes. So far, at least.’ Shorty nods several times. ‘No probes, continuuuuuum et cetera.’

‘I know you will say Owo Town people’s jubilation means “It is our turn!”‘
‘Very elementary. Universally correct.’

Lanky asks if the assorted meat pepper soup is ready. He orders two plates.

‘Aren’t you going to ask about Mr. President? What his message means?’
‘Go ahead.’ Lanky sniffs the aroma steaming from the bowl. ‘But don’t make me laugh o. Laughter and pepper don’t mix, you know.’

‘This one is no laughing matter, because Mr. President was not actually addressing The Governor-elect. He was talking to his kinsmen. Hurray!!! One more push and the entire western frontier will be in our pocket! After that, we can face The East without that distraction! Hurray!!!’
‘Hurray!? Mr President is not that expressive. He is soft spoken.’

‘Facials are one thing, my friend.’ Shorty chews on a piece of goat’s liver. ‘But you never truly know the texture of an animal’s belly until you have gnawed at it. I gnaw… And I chew.’
‘Ok. Here’s the final one. How about The National Leader of the party?’

‘There is no National Leader anymore.’
‘You are having a laugh, aren’t you?’

‘Seriously. Akeredolu implied so; and when a man in Mr. President’s camp implies something, you should listen.’
‘That is sacrilegious!’

‘I thought so too until I chewed very deep on it. I think the Governor-elect is right anyway. The party structure is this: An executive leader has emerged at the top. Then there is the leadership represented by The Party Chairman. Then you have many national leaders. Uncountable numbers of them.’
‘That’s so unfair though.’ Lanky observes in a muted voice. ‘I still take BAT as The National Leader whatever anyone thinks… Or The Leader of National Leaders or something like that.’

‘Who cares about you? The eagle is flying high at the moment. Let all other birds take cover in their tree caves.’
‘I wonder why he congratulated Aketi then. If I was him, I wouldn’t even bother.’

‘Well. You are not him. If you were, you would want desperately to remain relevant. That’s my interpretation of his congratulatory message. According to somebody, a politician must always strive to remain relevant.’
‘I see….., but the main opponent, that Jegede has not congratulated him though.’ Lanky toys with his cup, waiting for the closing shot. ‘It’s not over until he does, is it?’

‘I agree with you. Jegede is still thinking about it. To be or not to be, that is the question….’
‘Who said that, and to whom?’

‘I just said it to you.’
‘You are drunk…’

‘No. You are drunk…’

‘Barman!!!’

Ifedayo Babalola, a writer and satirist writes from Ibadan. ([email protected])