Grace Essen

By Grace Essen

Last week, I got a message via social media from a young lady going through some challenges in her marriage. It had been all pain and embarrassment for her in a marriage just under two years and with no baby yet. According to her, she had cried more than she had laughed ever since she said “I do”. I asked if anyone – family, pastors, counsellors, had tried to help resolve the issue. She said no, she wasn’t going to share her marital issues with people, not even her family – typical of us women especially those of us in this part of the world.

It appears when we get married, something just happens to us – we see everyone else even the family that loved, nurtured and raised us as ‘outsiders’- third party we call them. The most common scripture you would hear at any wedding ceremony is “… so shall a man leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife…” It is not a mistake that ‘man’ was specifically mentioned and not ‘woman’. But why is it that we women have taken it more seriously that the men folk for whom it was intended?

Some women go through horrifying experiences in their marriages and it’s mind boggling how we choose to keep silent. Yes, we were raised that way – to keep silent, to bear our pains quietly no matter how terrible the situation is. It is considered a virtue, ‘the right thing to do’. It shows that we are strong and resilient, yet to our own detriment. Little wonder men who treat their wives badly are emboldened to continue in the dastardly act, often hurting and humiliating their own wives, their ‘better half’, the very ones they vowed to have and to hold, to love, cherish and protect, knowing they would not say a word about what they’re going through! It’s such an irony we allow ourselves go through such repeatedly, yet we tell our children to talk to us when someone, anyone, treats them badly. How can they, when we continually demonstrate to them that it’s okay not to speak up?

Just last month, the media was awash with the news of a man who killed his wife, locked her lifeless body in their home with the kids and fled with her mobile phones. Residents in the neighbourhood lamented that the deceased had been enduring an abusive marriage. According to them the man had serially abused and assaulted his wife until the attack led to her death. He would tie her, beat her and take her mobile phones away.

Sometime last year, we heard about a man who took his two children out while he seized his wife’s phone and locked her in the house. On return, he found her foaming from the mouth. Instead of taking her to the hospital, he gave her palm oil and brought out his phone and recorded her for 40 minutes until she died. One of the children said her father was not nice to her mother and usually beat her. The mother of the deceased claimed her daughter was not happy with the marriage and always called her to report how her husband maltreated her. Unfortunately, nothing was done about it.

A certain man was arrested in Ejigbo, Lagos by police officers for beating his wife to death because she called him ‘irresponsible man’. It was gathered that the couple, who had been married for years, were known for their constant domestic violence. According to an eye witness, an argument ensued between the couple over feeding expense. The wife called the husband ‘irresponsible’, and he descended on her with countless punches till she collapsed and died on the spot.

Another woman lucky to be alive told her story from the hospital bed. She said because she didn’t open the gate for her husband on time, he picked up his belt and started beating her. As she tried to run away from him, she fell down. During the struggle, a mirror fell and broke on the floor and he stabbed her with a splinter. He poked a finger into her eye and gave her several blows in the face. Her husband was arrested by the police but some family members later prevailed on her to let go of the case because of the children.

This experience is not limited to this part of the world. A man from Texas in the US, was arrested for beating his wife because she didn’t ‘like’ his Facebook status! The man told police he was pissed so he punched her and pulled her hair! Another man from Pennsylvania beat his wife with a wooden spoon because she did not address him as ‘sir’. He lashed out at her because he found her ‘disrespectful’ towards him in front of their children. He routinely beat her with the spoon or his hand, and gave her a ‘count of three to comply’ with his demand of addressing him with a ‘yes, sir’ and also threatened to cast the demons out of her’ next time she disobeyed him.

Why would women who suffer domestic violence in their husband’s hands choose to stay on in the marriage? Let’s continue next week…

You may reach Grace via email:[email protected] can also connect with her on twitter@GraceEssen,on Facebook,and also follow her [email protected].